Are we really surprised?

So I ended up ditching this blog. Has it really been almost 7 months since I last posted?!

Time seems to be a blur these days. We are still in the pandemic, honestly at this point it doesn't feel like it will ever end. The vaccine is out now and people here will start being able to get it soon. There are many doubtful people but I think at some point it will just become compulsory to take the vaccine. To go back to work, or to start going to school etc.

At this point I think I would just take it. Then hope for the best.

Anyway so I read all (the grand total of 3) posts on this blog, and wow - what a great way to reflect back! I'm actually glad I did those rants because looking back I can see what I was thinking back then, and how differently things worked out. I could NOT imagine that things would turn out like this - I just want to say a big alhamdulilah when I think about it. Literally everything I was stressing out about back then somehow solved itself out. 

Of course, there are other issues now. But this goes to show that nothing is really in our hands, and we have to just try our best and know that God will handle the rest. 

I do want to work on this blog more, I NEED to get used to writing. I want to work on my vocab as well. Where is that writing list I was talking about?

I wish I was still in school, and just got tasks assigned to me. Makes me sound like a nerd but I actually LOVED getting English and literature tasks. I love writing essays and dissecting poetry. Where can I join a class like this as an adult please?

I think if I made a list of writing topics it's a bit constraining, the main thing I want to do is as soon as I have a thought/opinion, come to this blog and write out my raw opinions without filtering. So I will try that and see how it goes, although to be honest I don't have much opinions these days and most of the time I just want to get through the day. 

Slowly moving on...

This blog is turning more into a journal than anything else. But who cares? As long as I'm writing something. Because I tell myself to write what I'm thinking and usually what i'm thinking about is what is going on in my life.

Update from the last post, I'm feeling a little better about everything. I finally spoke to my mom today, after a long time. And even though by the end she just had to like hang up on me because I kept ranting.. it stills good. I got out what I needed to say and I feel some clarity. Until now I wasn't even sure if my parents are okay with us staying with them, and today she told me that they were. Of course, my cat is still an issue. So I've started looking into cat boarding places (as opposed to just hoping someone will take him for a not-so-short while). 

Maybe I'll feel better if he's nearby and being loved by someone, BUT I can still go and meet him for a while. Also, it gives us time to decide and figure out where our own lives are heading, and how he fits into that. The biggest thing is that i've accepted that I cannot keep him with me for a long time after this month, and although that hurts I need to prioritise finding some sort of financial stability in these uncertain times, and also being there for my parents because even though i was upset with them all these days, I have actually missed them a lot. This is the longest I haven't seen them I think since I was born! (Around 3 months).

Also I was talking about work that I feel a little useless, well this week turned out to be super busy actually and I just collaborated in a big way towards a proposal we had to send it. Alhamdulilah it actually feels really good to work hard and get something done. So all good there too.

Still have to come up with that writing topics list that I mentioned though!

Or.. maybe it's nice to just write whatever comes to mind? Like I am now. But I worry then that it will all just be about my personal life. Not even that, it would just be about my daily personal life. So that's not really what I wanted practice in writing.

I have posted a quote one the black lives matter movement going on right now. Honestly I don't feel like I'm doing enough. But I'm learning a lot and reflecting on the desi perception of black people. The fairness creams. The jokes on being 'kaali' etc.

I will post another blog with a list of topics soon and get started on that.

Reflecting on things that are making me sad

I thought this blog will push me to write every day. But it hasn't.. so far at least.

I think I need to start a writing challenge, I will look one up right after this.

Anyway, so I've been pretty down lately.

And I don't know why exactly. I guess it's not one thing that's bringing me down.

The fact that I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months. Will it be with my parents and without bobo?

Or will it be near them but with bobo?

Bobo is my cat by the way. My parents (specifically my mom) refuses to keep him in her house. I do get it, she has severe cleanliness issues and as self-cleaning and independent cats are, Bobo still shed a lot and does make a mess sometimes.

The idea of giving him away is painful, almost unbearable.

I have been crying about it for 2 days, now I just feel a little numb. It's hard to understand this feeling.

But also, I haven't been able to call my parents. Because if they bring this topic up and I ask them again about whether we can bring him and they say a big 'no'. It's feel too definite.

And right now I just want to continue staying in denial and pretend like nothing is changing.

I do feel for my parents. They are really alone right now. More alone than they have ever been and I know it's not easy on them. So I was actually quite excited to move back to the island and give them some company, even if it'll be for just a little while.

It's hard to choose between stability and a cat who I literally think of as my baby.

I can't even imagine how mothers feel when they lose their baby. 

I've also been a little down due to work. I got this job a couple of months ago, and business has been pretty slow so we haven't been getting much projects. And I'm a project manager so that = nothing much for me to do. But i've been trying to contribute in other ways, I will continue to find more ways to contribute.

This week surprisingly things have picked up so I spent a very intense 4-5 hours working earlier in the day. Honestly it felt GOOD. I mean I couldn't eat anything until I finished, but still it felt pretty amazing. 

Besides that work is fine I guess, it's only part time and it's remote but pays well- so I'm really grateful and blessed alhamdulillah. I wish I could be more friendly with my colleagues though, I tend to shut up a lot during their casual video chats and don't want to interrupt their friendly flow. Need to learn to overcome that. I might be working with these people for a while (hopefully) so need to learn to communicate with them. I actually love the company and the team, I definitely lucked out with these people, they are so understanding and it's such a contrast from the place I worked before.

So I really hope I get to stay.

Besides my self-centered issues, this pandemic and it's implications are difficult to ignore.

The first many weeks my husband and I were cautious and sad for what the world is facing, but also finding it pretty easy to be confined to our homes. Now the world looks like it's falling apart on social media, it's taken over everything. Hard to grasp that the condition is so bad in pakistan while also worrying about all my loved ones who are living there. And also the fear of having to move there myself next year if we are not able to stay here.

I guess i'm still only talking about my issues - I'll stop that now.

But yes.. so many tragedies, one after another.

I really pray that we stay safe and we make it out of this.

I also want to focus more on the Quran and learn what it says. I am only a few pages in and I already feel so amazing MashaAllah, so I'm hoping to continue and that it will help me become a better Muslim so that if death does come to me, I am ready. 

The Idea Behind Her Writing Nook

Each time I've had a new blog (okay it wasn't that many times, just like 3 or 4) - it has taken me ages to actually think of a name. But for this blog, somehow it took less than a minute.

I was already on the blogger page and the 'blog name' tab popped up in my view. I thought about keeping it something obscure like the other ones but decided to just keep it simple.

Her writing nook.

This is a place for me to write whatever comes to mind, no need for any filters or overthinking (a problem I often face). Blogging and writing was a huge passion of mine, and I looked through my old blogger recently and thought back to those days. It's hard to make sense of what I felt because my thoughts were being pulled into two directions. One part of me was like "I think i've grown from this type of content and that was the teenage me and it was good while it lasted". But then another part of me was like "oh gosh I miss just typing and letting the words flow out of me and not caring what people will think about my words".

I have spent AGES either not writing, or writing while thinking. My casual blogging turned into proper article writing and having to be mindful of what I say. I guess you can say I started writing for an audience, and not for myself.

And if I'm perfectly honest, I want to be selfish with my writing too. 

I have a website/blog that I invested time and money in, and I'm still working on that and have gained a good following. But it almost feels like work. Each article is something to think thoroughly about before posting, and then the stress of actually getting people to read it is so unnecessary. 

I'm hoping through this blog I can go back to loving writing and being confident in it.

To not over-thinking and just expressing.

To doing it for the right reasons and not to gain popularity or people's approval.

Most of all, I just want to practice writing as much as I can - without worrying about who's reading!