Slowly moving on...

This blog is turning more into a journal than anything else. But who cares? As long as I'm writing something. Because I tell myself to write what I'm thinking and usually what i'm thinking about is what is going on in my life.

Update from the last post, I'm feeling a little better about everything. I finally spoke to my mom today, after a long time. And even though by the end she just had to like hang up on me because I kept ranting.. it stills good. I got out what I needed to say and I feel some clarity. Until now I wasn't even sure if my parents are okay with us staying with them, and today she told me that they were. Of course, my cat is still an issue. So I've started looking into cat boarding places (as opposed to just hoping someone will take him for a not-so-short while). 

Maybe I'll feel better if he's nearby and being loved by someone, BUT I can still go and meet him for a while. Also, it gives us time to decide and figure out where our own lives are heading, and how he fits into that. The biggest thing is that i've accepted that I cannot keep him with me for a long time after this month, and although that hurts I need to prioritise finding some sort of financial stability in these uncertain times, and also being there for my parents because even though i was upset with them all these days, I have actually missed them a lot. This is the longest I haven't seen them I think since I was born! (Around 3 months).

Also I was talking about work that I feel a little useless, well this week turned out to be super busy actually and I just collaborated in a big way towards a proposal we had to send it. Alhamdulilah it actually feels really good to work hard and get something done. So all good there too.

Still have to come up with that writing topics list that I mentioned though!

Or.. maybe it's nice to just write whatever comes to mind? Like I am now. But I worry then that it will all just be about my personal life. Not even that, it would just be about my daily personal life. So that's not really what I wanted practice in writing.

I have posted a quote one the black lives matter movement going on right now. Honestly I don't feel like I'm doing enough. But I'm learning a lot and reflecting on the desi perception of black people. The fairness creams. The jokes on being 'kaali' etc.

I will post another blog with a list of topics soon and get started on that.

Reflecting on things that are making me sad

I thought this blog will push me to write every day. But it hasn't.. so far at least.

I think I need to start a writing challenge, I will look one up right after this.

Anyway, so I've been pretty down lately.

And I don't know why exactly. I guess it's not one thing that's bringing me down.

The fact that I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months. Will it be with my parents and without bobo?

Or will it be near them but with bobo?

Bobo is my cat by the way. My parents (specifically my mom) refuses to keep him in her house. I do get it, she has severe cleanliness issues and as self-cleaning and independent cats are, Bobo still shed a lot and does make a mess sometimes.

The idea of giving him away is painful, almost unbearable.

I have been crying about it for 2 days, now I just feel a little numb. It's hard to understand this feeling.

But also, I haven't been able to call my parents. Because if they bring this topic up and I ask them again about whether we can bring him and they say a big 'no'. It's feel too definite.

And right now I just want to continue staying in denial and pretend like nothing is changing.

I do feel for my parents. They are really alone right now. More alone than they have ever been and I know it's not easy on them. So I was actually quite excited to move back to the island and give them some company, even if it'll be for just a little while.

It's hard to choose between stability and a cat who I literally think of as my baby.

I can't even imagine how mothers feel when they lose their baby. 

I've also been a little down due to work. I got this job a couple of months ago, and business has been pretty slow so we haven't been getting much projects. And I'm a project manager so that = nothing much for me to do. But i've been trying to contribute in other ways, I will continue to find more ways to contribute.

This week surprisingly things have picked up so I spent a very intense 4-5 hours working earlier in the day. Honestly it felt GOOD. I mean I couldn't eat anything until I finished, but still it felt pretty amazing. 

Besides that work is fine I guess, it's only part time and it's remote but pays well- so I'm really grateful and blessed alhamdulillah. I wish I could be more friendly with my colleagues though, I tend to shut up a lot during their casual video chats and don't want to interrupt their friendly flow. Need to learn to overcome that. I might be working with these people for a while (hopefully) so need to learn to communicate with them. I actually love the company and the team, I definitely lucked out with these people, they are so understanding and it's such a contrast from the place I worked before.

So I really hope I get to stay.

Besides my self-centered issues, this pandemic and it's implications are difficult to ignore.

The first many weeks my husband and I were cautious and sad for what the world is facing, but also finding it pretty easy to be confined to our homes. Now the world looks like it's falling apart on social media, it's taken over everything. Hard to grasp that the condition is so bad in pakistan while also worrying about all my loved ones who are living there. And also the fear of having to move there myself next year if we are not able to stay here.

I guess i'm still only talking about my issues - I'll stop that now.

But yes.. so many tragedies, one after another.

I really pray that we stay safe and we make it out of this.

I also want to focus more on the Quran and learn what it says. I am only a few pages in and I already feel so amazing MashaAllah, so I'm hoping to continue and that it will help me become a better Muslim so that if death does come to me, I am ready.