I think I need to start a writing challenge, I will look one up right after this.
Anyway, so I've been pretty down lately.
And I don't know why exactly. I guess it's not one thing that's bringing me down.
The fact that I don't know where I'll be living in 2 months. Will it be with my parents and without bobo?
Or will it be near them but with bobo?
Bobo is my cat by the way. My parents (specifically my mom) refuses to keep him in her house. I do get it, she has severe cleanliness issues and as self-cleaning and independent cats are, Bobo still shed a lot and does make a mess sometimes.
The idea of giving him away is painful, almost unbearable.
I have been crying about it for 2 days, now I just feel a little numb. It's hard to understand this feeling.
But also, I haven't been able to call my parents. Because if they bring this topic up and I ask them again about whether we can bring him and they say a big 'no'. It's feel too definite.
And right now I just want to continue staying in denial and pretend like nothing is changing.
I do feel for my parents. They are really alone right now. More alone than they have ever been and I know it's not easy on them. So I was actually quite excited to move back to the island and give them some company, even if it'll be for just a little while.
It's hard to choose between stability and a cat who I literally think of as my baby.
I can't even imagine how mothers feel when they lose their baby.
I've also been a little down due to work. I got this job a couple of months ago, and business has been pretty slow so we haven't been getting much projects. And I'm a project manager so that = nothing much for me to do. But i've been trying to contribute in other ways, I will continue to find more ways to contribute.
This week surprisingly things have picked up so I spent a very intense 4-5 hours working earlier in the day. Honestly it felt GOOD. I mean I couldn't eat anything until I finished, but still it felt pretty amazing.
Besides that work is fine I guess, it's only part time and it's remote but pays well- so I'm really grateful and blessed alhamdulillah. I wish I could be more friendly with my colleagues though, I tend to shut up a lot during their casual video chats and don't want to interrupt their friendly flow. Need to learn to overcome that. I might be working with these people for a while (hopefully) so need to learn to communicate with them. I actually love the company and the team, I definitely lucked out with these people, they are so understanding and it's such a contrast from the place I worked before.
So I really hope I get to stay.
Besides my self-centered issues, this pandemic and it's implications are difficult to ignore.
The first many weeks my husband and I were cautious and sad for what the world is facing, but also finding it pretty easy to be confined to our homes. Now the world looks like it's falling apart on social media, it's taken over everything. Hard to grasp that the condition is so bad in pakistan while also worrying about all my loved ones who are living there. And also the fear of having to move there myself next year if we are not able to stay here.
I guess i'm still only talking about my issues - I'll stop that now.
But yes.. so many tragedies, one after another.
I really pray that we stay safe and we make it out of this.
I also want to focus more on the Quran and learn what it says. I am only a few pages in and I already feel so amazing MashaAllah, so I'm hoping to continue and that it will help me become a better Muslim so that if death does come to me, I am ready.
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